De lo peorcito del 2009

Seguimos escarbando del torbellino musical que fue el año pasado y encontramos en una de tantas listas algunas breves, directas, divertidas y sobretodo honestas reseñas de algunas de las atrocidades del 2009. ¿Te gusta Vampire Weekend? Desenreda de tu cuello el pañuelo o pashmina o como se llamen esos trapos que los mariquitas hipsters usan hoy en día y bendícelo con mocos verdes y lágrimas heladas. ¿Eres fan de Juliette Lewis? Mejor vuelve a su grandiosa actuación (en realidad fue una interpretación de ella misma) como niña lela en Kalifornia. ¿Aún te importa Weezer? Aquí tienes una razón más para tirar la toalla. Y si piensas que The Mars Volta es un dúo de semidioses multiinstrumentalistas y prolíficos, tal vez quieras cambiar de opinión.

Por: Travis Keller, Kevin Hilliard, Meathead and Joel Jett.

Weezer – “Raditude”

Weezer has never been particularly good at coming up with album titles. Hell, half the time they don’t even bother, (their 2008 release was their third self-titled). That’s some George Foreman shit. But you know they really threw in the towel once they started drawing inspiration from Rainn Wilson, from whose grotesquely large and misshapen head the name of their latest affront to common decency, Raditude, was spawned. He’s probably the genius who also thought up the idea of the Weezer Snuggie, long past the point when it might have actually been slightly funny, or at least timely. Instead, it was just a stupefyingly weak attempt to latch onto the ass end of a joke that no one has actually laughed at for at least a year, proving once and for all that Weezer is where irony goes to die (see also: everything else they’ve ever done). In case that’s not enough to convince you, may we present Exhibit B: “Can’t Stop Partying (feat. Lil Wayne).” We rest our case.

Juliette Lewis – “Terra Incognita”

Scientologist/actress Juliette Lewis has dumped her band of hired-guns known as “The Licks” and is back with her third attempt at being taken seriously as a musician that she hired Omar Rodriguez-Lopez of The Mars Volta (see below) to produce. STRIKE THREE! YERRRRRR OUTTA HERE! Also see the 30 Seconds to Mars entry below…most of that applies here too.

Muse – “The Resistance”

The world’s lamest Radiohead cover band apparently bought a Rage Against the Machine record and made a concept record telling people to “Resist the Man”. We urge you to “resist” this record. Way to self-nuke dorks.

The Mars Volta “Octahedron” (2009) + Omar Rodriguez Lopez “A Manual Dexterity: Soundtrack Volume One” (2004), “Omar Rodriguez” (2005), “Se Dice Bisonte, No Bùfalo” (2007), “The Apocalypse Inside of an Orange” (2007), “Calibration (Is Pushing Luck and Key Too Far)” (2007), “Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fungus” (2008), “Minor Cuts and Scrapes in the Bushes Ahead” (2008), “Old Money” (2008), “Megaritual” (2009), “Despair” (2009), “Cryptomnesia” (2009), “Los Sueños de un Higado” (2009), “Xenophanes” (2009), and “Solar Gambling” (2009)

This is what it sounds like when not a single person has said to a musician “Dude, this is a really bad idea” for about 5 years. Yeah, we know some of the dozen or so records we’ve listed above came out before 2009, but since apparently Omar and the yes men that make up his circle of musician friends seem to never stop recording every single retarded idea they have, this shit comes off like one long, self-indulgent stroke session that doesn’t have an end. Therefore, we think it’s as valid to tell you ALL of this sucks in 2009 as any other time. Omar, muchacho, seriously, it’s break time. Now HIT THE SHOWERS.

Vampire Weekend – “Contra”

Yeah we know this record comes out next week, but since we’ve already been subjected to 3 songs of it and were assaulted by the bitch’s face that adorns this pile of shit everywhere we looked in 2009, thanks to the “viral marketing” campaign their image consultant came up with for the promo, this record is on the list. Yeah, we get it dorks, you wear Polo shirts with popped collars and like chicks who do the same. Congrats. Led by a former white rapper from Columbia University (don’t believe us, check “http://www.myspace.com/lhommerun“ for his “ironic” hip hop stylings) who apparently got a hold of an afro-beat record between trips to the Lacoste store in the Hamptons, this band crowbars that style in with wuss-rock and the results are dick-shrivelingly lame. Do you really care what a group with that kind of biography’s SECOND album sounds like? Buy the Extra-Golden record instead.